Ten

*Bella*

Rain.  Red flashes.  Blue flashes.  Disjointed voices over small speakers.  Screaming.  Arms tight around my waist.  My heartbeat in my ears.  My throat raw and my cheeks sticky.

His blue car sticking out of the ditch.  The front end completely crushed; wrapped around the telephone pole just beyond the ruined guardrail.  Broken glass on the ground.  Flares.  Flashlight beams.  Important people in bright yellow rain coats screaming at someone else, their arms over their heads as they ran.

My arms held out.  Someone still holding me back.  Realizing that the screams were mine.  A stretcher rolling by me, the white sheet covering the still body beneath.  My heart shattering as I fell in the mud beneath me and dug my hands into it.

~*~

"No!" I screamed, sitting straight up in bed, my breath sobbing out of my chest as I gripped tightly onto my blankets.

I blinked, registering that my eyes were completely full of tears before I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead against them.  I surrendered the death grip I had on the blankets and wrapped my arms around my legs, squeezing my eyes shut tightly.

I got my breathing under control and worked on the shaking that had taken place of the tears, swallowing compulsively and digging my fingernails into my legs.

I was still dressed in my work clothes from yesterday and my shirt was sticking to me, making me aware that I was sweating to death and needed to get out of this fucking bed.  Away from the dreams, away from the pain, away from the memories… away from everything that ripped through my brain as I slept.

I stumbled out of bed, blindly feeling my way out of my bedroom and stumbling into the bathroom.  I didn't know what time it was, I didn't even know how long I might've been asleep.  Everything was jumbled and fucked up and as I flicked on the lights in the bathroom, I wasted no time in peeling my sticky clothes off and almost drunkenly grabbing the knob to turn the water on.

I rubbed my temples as I waited for the water to warm up before I pulled on the lever for the shower and stepped in, closing the curtain behind me.  I stood under the spray, not moving a muscle before my knees gave out on me and I fell to the floor, wrapping my arms around myself as sobs ripped out of my throat.

I hadn't been there.  I wasn't there and I should've been.  I was supposed to be and I just wasn't.

I leaned forward and rested my forehead on the floor of the bathtub, choking out an 'I'm sorry' as the water beat down on my back.

~*~

An hour and a half later, I walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a fuzzy pink towel to hear my phone ringing.  I walked into the kitchen and blankly stared at the microwave clock, blinking once when the green numbers informed me that it was half past six in the morning.

I needed to call Carlisle.  There was no way that I was making it in to work today.  I was drained, numb, and the last thing I'd be able to concentrate on was something like work.

The phone finally stopped ringing and I slowly turned to look at the base resting on the counter by my coffee pot, waiting for the message whoever was crazy enough to call me this early in the morning would leave.

"Hey, Bella," Edward's voice floated through the speakers and I furrowed my eyebrows, placing both hands firmly on the knot of my towel.  "Either you're really hung over and haven't made it out of bed yet or your head is in the toilet.  Uhm… I'll call back in a few minutes, okay?  Bye."

Why was he calling me this early?  How had he even gotten my number?  I remember having drinks with him but that was about the extent of it.  Did I drive home?  Fuck, I hope not.  I ran to the window and pushed back the curtain, staring at my empty parking spot and licking my lips.

I reached up and ran a hand through my wet hair, fisting it tightly and blowing out a deep breath.

Okay, I'd obviously had too much to drink while we were out.  I hadn't gotten that drunk in a long damn time – probably since college – and it unnerved me that I didn't remember much past drinking at least the first two.  Christ, I was such a lightweight.

I shook my head and dropped my hands, slowly padding back into my bedroom and over to my closet.  I reached in, immediately able to find the robe I was looking for and slung it over my shoulders.  I dropped the towel to the floor and stepped over it, grabbing a hair tie and throwing my already messy hair up into a ponytail.  I knotted the tie around my waist and sluggishly walked into the living room, bending down in front of my entertainment center and pulling out my beaten copy of Autumn In New York.  I stuck the disc into my DVD player once I'd turned it on before walking back to the kitchen and grabbing my phone.

I curled up on the couch, throwing the phone on the cushion next to me before reaching over to the lamp stand next to me and grabbing the remote.  I wrapped my arms around the pillow and waited for the menu to pop up on the screen.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and hit the play button when I was able to, nuzzling my cheek into the pillow.

There was no reason to call Carlisle now if Edward was apparently only going to call back in a few minutes.  I had no idea why he was going to call back in the first place, but there was no point in going into another phone call when I'd hear the annoying beep two seconds into my conversation.

Five minutes later, my phone rang again and I swallowed hard before pausing the movie and sitting up straight.  I grabbed the phone and licked my lips, my hands shaking as I pressed down on the right button and brought it to my ear.

"Hello?"

My voice was hoarse and shaking and I swallowed hard again, closing my eyes tightly and forcing myself to breathe evenly.

"Hey.  You sound like shit."

I rolled my eyes and huffed.

"Thanks."

"Are you ready?  I'll be on my way in about ten minutes."

I furrowed my eyebrows at my knees and started picking at a random thread that was hanging off the robe.

"For what?"

"Work," he said slowly.

He was supposed to bring me to work today?  Christ, when had that been decided?  What the fuck happened last night?

"I'm not gonna make it in today."  I shook my head fiercely and bit my bottom lip.  "I can't."

"That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea," I breathed, my chest constricting and a lump forming in my throat.

"Is… is everything all right?  Do you need anything?"

I need a lot of things.  Nothing in which you can help me with.

"No, I'm fine.  I need to call Carlisle," I said, clearing my throat and ripping the thread from the robe.

"How are you gonna get your car?"

"I'll have Emmett get me after he gets out of work or something."  I cleared my throat again, pressing my lips together tightly.  "Thank you, though."

"No problem.  Bella, if you need anything…"

I closed my eyes tightly and sucked in a deep breath, nodding once before shaking my head and swallowing hard.

"Thanks.  I'll talk to you later, Edward."

I didn't wait for a response before I jammed my finger down on the right button and held the phone out in front of me, breathing heavily and forcing myself to turn it back on and dial in Carlisle's cell phone number.  He answered after the second ring and I opened my eyes, swallowing hard again.

"What's going on, Bella?" he answered brightly.

"I'm not gonna make it in to work today," I managed.

"What happened?" he asked, the change in his tone immediate.

"I had a dream and I just… I can't; I'm sorry, but I just can't today, Carlisle."

Failure.

"All right.  It's all right, Bella.  It's not a big deal.  Stay home and take care of yourself, all right?  If you need anything, you know the number."

"Yeah, I know."  I squeezed my eyes shut again and shook my head, licking my lips.  "Thanks."

"I'll call you later today to see how you're doing.  Call your mother if you have to."

Big fucking failure.

"I will."  I shook my head again.  "Thank you."

"Take it easy today, Bella."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone on him and threw it on the floor, falling to my side again and curling up into a ball.  I wrapped an arm around my legs and buried my face into the pillow, dry sobs pouring out of my mouth as I clutched onto myself and prayed that I could just somehow put myself back together this once.

I was tired of being broken; I was tired of hurting all the time.  I was tired of being scared and I was tired of being so fucking worried about everything going on around me.  I was tired of not knowing who I was anymore.

~*~

I spent the rest of the day wrapped up in the robe on my couch, watching as many depressing movies as I possibly could before I called Emmett at five-thirty.  I needed to get my car and he was the only one that wouldn't ask me a million questions on the ride over there.  He knew that I'd tell him if I wanted to talk about it and never pushed otherwise.  He was the best younger brother in the world.

I got dressed in a pair of loose-fitting jeans and an over-sized dark blue t-shirt, finally letting my hair down to brush it and let it fall in my face.  I grabbed a pair of socks, pulling them on before shoving my feet into my sneakers and walking into the living room.  I grabbed my coat and purse before walking outside, locking and closing the door behind me.  Emmett pulled up a few minutes later and I quietly climbed in his car, merely looking at him.  He nodded, reached over and squeezed my arm before pulling out of the parking spot and starting in the direction of the office.

I rested my elbow on the door, leaning my forehead into my palm and closing my eyes as I attempted to relax.

We spent the ride in silence, Matchbox Twenty playing softly on the radio and my head in fifty different directions – mostly focused on the dream I'd had this morning.

I hadn't had a dream about that in such a long time that I'd been trying to figure out why it had come on last night.  The alcohol had never had that type of effect on me before, but if that was the cause for it, I was never drinking again.

We pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later and I immediately saw Edward's car parked next to mine.  I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at the clock on the dashboard.

It was nearing six; why was he here so late?

"Do you want me to wait?" Emmett's voice broke through my thoughts and I shook my head absently.

"No, I'm gonna go see what Edward's still doing here.  Thanks, Em."

"Not a problem, Bells.  I'll talk to you later."

I nodded and pushed my way out of the car, grabbing my purse from the floor before I shut the door and watched him drive out.  I sucked in a deep breath, slowly turning on my heel to face the building before concentrating very hard on every step I took to the door.  I slowly pushed through once I'd reached it, immediately hearing a beautiful singing voice.  I quietly closed the door behind me and followed it, coming to a stop outside of Edward's office door.

I found him hunched over the files on his desk, a bag of Cheetos open next to his elbow and his iPod blaring Van Morrison.  I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the doorjamb, listening as he continued to sing.

"…and do my best to take good care of you," he sang, the pen in his hand still moving effortlessly across the page.  "You'll be my queen… and I'll be your king… and I'll be your lover, too."

His voice was beautiful; deep and sensual, rough and unpracticed in all the right ways.  I found my shoulders relaxing and the insane amount of thoughts in my head immediately quieting as I listened.  I closed my eyes and let his voice wrap around me, making me able to forget about everything else that was going on in my life.  Jake hadn't chosen Jean over me, I hadn't had that dream the night before, and I hadn't heard the disappointment in Carlisle's voice this morning when I called.  Everything else failed to exist except for the way his voice rose and fell with each word and I really couldn't fathom a better place for me to be right now.

The song faded out and with it, his voice.  I opened my eyes and quietly cleared my throat, smirking at the way his head snapped up.

"You should be a singer," I started quietly, nodding once at him, "what are you doing in a doctor's office?"

"You heard me?"

I nodded, biting my bottom lip and thinking that maybe I'd crossed some sort of line with him.  Revelry by Kings of Leon started flowing through the speakers and he quickly reached over, slapping his hand against the front of the iHome and turning the volume down.

"You're really good."

He shifted in his seat and dropped the pen, his cheeks a little red as he reached up to thread his hands through his hair.

"Thanks.  How are you feeling?" he asked quickly.

I shrugged one shoulder and shook my head a little.

"I've been worse, I guess."

"Hangover?"

"I kind of wish that it was."

"Wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head, looking down at my feet.

"Not really."  I looked up again, trying my best to smile at him.  "How was your day?"

He leaned back in his chair and placed his hands on the armrests, shrugging his shoulders.

"Tanya wouldn't leave me alone."

My eyes widened and I pressed my lips together.

"I'm so sorry!  I didn't even…"

"Bella," he laughed lightly, shaking his head.  "It's not your fault in any way.  Came real close to telling her I was gay, though."

"You didn't!"

He nodded and laughed, leaning forward and completely turning off his iHome, resting his elbows on his desk and looking between me and one of the chairs in front of him.  I licked my lips and pushed myself off the doorjamb, taking slow, measured steps as I walked completely into the office and fell unceremoniously into the chair he'd been looking at.  I placed my purse in my lap and rested my hands on the top of it, resisting the urge to play with the straps nervously.

"It was sheer hell with her today," he started, shaking his head slowly.  "She was at every corner I turned, asking me if I wanted a coffee or if there was anything that she could do for me."  He huffed.  "And she didn't mean anything professional, either!  Alice and Angela are never going to let me live it down."

"Probably not," I agreed, laughing quietly and shaking my head.  "They don't let go of much when they have something like that to use against you."

"Great," he grumbled, looking to the side and sighing heavily.  "They'll be putting that on my tombstone, won't they?"

My breath caught in my throat and I forced myself to calm down, my hands tightening around my purse and my jaw aching as I clenched down on my teeth.

"I'll be here tomorrow," I managed, forcing myself to relax and tapping my fingertips against my purse.

"Good."

"What kind of scrubs was she wearing today?"

His eyes slid over to me and his lips twitched at the sides as he sat forward.

"Smurfs."

"Oh, Lord."

"Yeah," he said slowly, coughing to cover up a laugh.  "Are you up for dinner or something?"

I swallowed hard and nodded slowly.  I told my mom I'd try.  I told Edward that I'd try.  No matter what had happened earlier in the day and how crappy I still felt or how much my heart still hurt, I still had a life to live.  I still had this friendship to work on and I couldn't take seeing any disappointment in anyone's eyes today.  I wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Yeah, sure."

He eyed me, placed his hands on the desk and twisted his head to the side a little.

"Are you sure?"

I forced what I was positive was a horrid attempt at a smile before standing up and slinging my purse over my shoulder again.

"I'm sure."

"You can say no."

"Edward, get up," I laughed half-heartedly, waving a hand at him.  "Get your shit together and let's go."

"Are you sure?"

"Do you want me to beat you with your blotter?"

He eyed me for a few more moments before he shook his head and bounced up out of his seat, snapping the files closed and grabbing his briefcase from where I assumed it was hiding underneath his desk.  He crumpled the apparently empty bag of Cheetos and threw it away before rounding the desk and walking towards me.

I gasped and jumped back as I was bombarded with images that had to have happened last night.  Feelings that I hadn't realized were there flooded up my throat and threatened to choke me, causing me to plop back down into the seat and gasp for breath.

I'd kissed him.  And it hadn't felt wrong.  I'd kissed him and while I'd been drunk, I could now clearly remember that I'd enjoyed it far more than I should've.

"Bella!  Hey, Bella, what's going on?  What's wrong?  Bella, talk to me," I could hear Edward beg through the rush of blood in my ears.

Christ, how had I forgotten those sparks?  I remembered them in complete detail now; the way they flowed from his lips and into mine, setting my entire body humming.  Why had I felt like that?  I wasn't supposed to feel like that anymore.

Most importantly, though, why in the fuck had I kissed him in the first place?  I'd been plenty drunk in the past with other guys – most of them Emmett's friends, sure, but still – and had never once kissed any of them.  I don't think I'd ever even tried to kiss anyone while I was drunk before.  It wasn't in my nature; it wasn't something that I took lightly.

Oh, my God, I'd ruined everything.  We'd barely gotten started and already I'd ruined everything.

"Bella?  Come on, Bella," he mumbled, suddenly in front of me on his knees with his hands resting tensely on mine.  "What's going on?"

"I kissed you," I whispered, bringing one of my hands up to claw lightly at my throat.  "Last night, I kissed you."

I looked up at him and he nodded slowly, licking his lips and digging his fingertips into my knees.

"Yes," he whispered back.

"I didn't… Edward, I…"

"And I kissed you back."  He grabbed my hand and brought it away from my throat, my heart jumping in my chest as the jolt immediately raged through our hands.  He rested my hand in my lap before moving his hands away and leaning back on his heels.  "It's okay, Bella."

"But I don't want… and I don't want to lead you on or… Edward, I'm so—"

"You were drunk," he said quietly.

"That's no excuse!" I exclaimed, bringing my hand up to my mouth and chewing on my fingernails.  "I never do that, Edward.  Please don't think…"

"Bella, you need to calm down, okay?"  His hands were back on my knees and I flinched.  He immediately lifted his hands and held them up, sighing heavily and shaking his head.  "It's okay.  It happens."

"Not to me!  I never do something like that!"

He was quiet, lowering his hands to his lap and all I could hear was my breathing as I attempted to calm down.  It wasn't working.

"Well," he started slowly, licking his lips and taking a deep breath, "at least it was with me."  I gaped at him and he smirked.  It looked sad to me and that only confused me a little more.  "If you'd kissed someone else that way, Bella, there's no way that you would've woken up alone."

I blinked at him and my mouth dropped open a little.  Fuck, I was confused.  While on some level, I understood that logic and was grateful that he'd pointed it out, on another level, I just felt… rejected in some weird way.

Was he that disgusted by me?  Or was that some twisted way of complimenting me?

"Oh," I managed in a whoosh of air.

"So don't… worry about it, okay?  It's fine.  We're fine."

I nodded and bit my bottom lip, swallowing hard.

"Are you sure we're okay?" I asked softly.

He nodded and smiled at me, standing back up and grabbing his briefcase from the chair next to me.

"We're great.  Come on."  He jerked his head towards his office door.  "I'm hungry."

I stood up slowly and followed him to the door, walking ahead of him as he motioned for me to do so.

"Jared's?" I asked as we walked into the lobby.

"Naturally."

I looked over at him and smiled when I saw the one on his face, my shoulders relaxing again as we reached the front door.  He shrugged his coat on and set the alarm before we quickly hurried out, the door slamming shut behind us.

"Hey," I started, turning to him as we started in the direction of the parking lot.  "Did Tanya leave early?"

It was a hell of a time to realize that she hadn't been practically perched on the edge of Edward's desk when I walked in, but I'd learned to block all thoughts of her out most of the time.

"She got quite annoyed with me when I wouldn't look at her," he said lightly, shrugging.  "Mumbled something about me and you and stomped her way out of the building.  Did you know she curses in Italian?"

I threw my head back and laughed, feeling a lot of the tension drain out of me as I did so.

"Only when she's really pissed off," I laughed, dragging my head back up to look at him.

He was smiling softly at me, jingling his keys in his free hand.  I smiled back at him as my laughter abated and stuffed my hands in my pockets, looking down at my feet as we stopped on the edge of the parking lot.  When I looked back up, he was still smiling at me.

"What?" I asked, shifting in my spot.

"Nothing."  He shook his head, laughing to himself.  "I'll be back."

I nodded and watched as he jogged the rest of the way to his car, throwing his briefcase into the back seat.  I wrapped my arms tightly around my waist, licking my lips as he slammed the door closed and walked back to me.

I'd kissed him.  I'd had my tongue in his mouth and his body pressed against mine.  But none of it had felt wrong.  I felt incredibly guilty, but it hadn't felt like something that I'd never want to do again.

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

No, Bella.  You don't want to do it again.  You can't.  He's your friend and he wouldn't want you to do it again.

"Ready?"

I opened my eyes and nodded, offering him a small smile as I turned.

"So, what else did I do last night?" I asked quietly as we walked along the sidewalk.

Might as well hear about it now while my day was shot to hell.

He laughed and stuck his hands in his jacket pockets as we started toward the corner of the street.

"You told me about the last time you had sex."

I felt my face heat up and immediately shook my hair in front of me, groaning.  I wished with all of my being that there was some way for the earth to open up and swallow me whole; there was absolutely no going back after that.

"And you showed me your tattoo."  My heart dropped.  "But you wouldn't tell me what it meant."

I huffed out a breath in relief.

"Will you ever?"

We reached the corner of the street and I looked up at him.  His eyes were sincere and kind, not pushing or demanding.  He wouldn't use it against me in the future when shit went to hell between us – because with me, things always did – and if I asked him to, he wouldn't tell anyone else.

I swallowed hard, my heart thumping loudly in my chest as I realized that I was starting to trust him.  It had only been a week and I'd never trusted someone this quickly before; I didn’t know how I felt about that.

Everything was out of sorts today and my head was too fucking scrambled to make sense of it all right now.  I may regret all of this in the morning, but there was also a little part of me that wanted him to know at least a part of it.

You said you'd try, Bella.  This is your chance.

"Why don't we get the food to go?" I finally asked quietly, licking my lips and bringing my hands in front of me to twist my fingers together.

"Why?" he asked slowly.

"I'm not going to tell you everything," I warned, my stomach clenching uncomfortably when he frowned, "but I'd rather not be in a crowded restaurant when I tell you part of it."

"Where'd you want to go?"

"My apartment?" I asked, quickly folding my bottom lip in between my teeth as I looked down at my feet.  "It's not closer but it's… easier."

"Yeah, okay, that's fine."

I heard the disappointment laced in his voice and sucked in a deep breath, swallowing hard as I stepped up to the edge of the corner and looked both ways before jogging across the street.  So much for not wanting to disappoint anyone today.

You can't even be friends with someone the right way, can you?  It's no wonder Jake chose Jean over you, is it?

I bit my trembling bottom lip and heard his footsteps behind me, sucking in another deep breath and stepping up onto the sidewalk as I reached it.  Everything just hurt today and nothing was helping.  I should've just gotten into my damn car and gone back to my apartment; I had a whole treasure trove of movies that I could've kept watching until I fell asleep.

I reached up and angrily knuckled away the tears filling my eyes, wrapping my arms tightly around my waist as we walked by the front glass window that led to Jared's front door.

"Hey, Bella…" Edward suddenly said, grabbing my elbow and pulling me to a stop.

I clenched my jaw together and kept my head down, my arms still tightly wrapped around my waist as I stood in front of him.

"Bella, you don't have to tell me."

I shrugged one shoulder, sniffing and shifting my weight on my feet.

"You want to know."

I bit down hard on my teeth when my voice shook and dug my fingertips into my sides.

"Not at the expense of hurting you."

"It always hurts," I said through my teeth.  "And I just can't…"  I shook my head, doing my best to relax my jaw.  "I'm trying and you're disappointed and I can't take that today."

"What?  I'm not… where did you even get that from?"

"When you're a constant fuck up, you pick up on the signs real fucking quick.  Let's just go," I mumbled, sniffing again before turning away from him and stalking into Jared's.

"Hey you two!" Embry called from the other side of the restaurant.

I looked up at him and forced a smile on my face, lifting one arm away from my waist and waving at him.  I felt Edward step up beside me and swallowed hard, staring straight ahead at the chalkboard behind the front counter.

"We're not doing this," he mumbled into my ear.

"Doing what?"

"You're not telling me anything if that's the only damn reason.  We're not doing this," he hissed.

I stared at the chalkboard, grinding my teeth together as my eyes watered again.  There was a sharp pain shooting from my throat down to my stomach and my breath hitched as I breathed out.

"Fine," I managed, turning on my heel and walking back out of the diner.

Maybe I'd take a vacation and run away from everything for a week or so.  Get away from everyone in this fucking town and every little memory that haunted every fucking nook and cranny of this god damned place.

I looked up and down the street through blurry eyes before running across and jogging the rest of the way to my car.  My hands shook as I grabbed my purse from my shoulder and unzipped it, digging around for my keys.  My throat was aching from the sobs I wouldn't let sound through and no matter how hard I tried, my key wasn't going into the lock on the door.

I screamed in frustration when I dropped the whole key ring, staring down at it as tears trailed down my cheeks.  I dropped my purse to the ground and stumbled back a few steps before collapsing on the pavement and reaching up to bury my hands in my hair.  The sobs made their way out of my mouth and I pulled at my hair, wishing that it would all just go away.

I felt warm arms wrapping around me, pulling me against their chest and slowly rocking back and forth with me.  I didn't have enough energy in me to care, much less flinch away from the electric pulse I felt as his chin brushed against my forehead when he shifted me into his lap like I normally would've.

"I'm sorry," Edward whispered into my ear, one of his hands reaching up and resting on my cheek.  "Bella, I'm sorry."

I leaned further into him, burying my face into his neck as I continued to wail and sob.  He managed to get my hands out of my hair and I quickly grabbed onto his jacket, pressing myself against him as he continued to rock me.

"I miss him," I wailed.  "I miss him so fucking much."

He didn't say anything and I wasn't entirely sure that he understood me to begin with, but he started threading one hand through my hair, small shushing noises making their way into my ear.

I don't know how long we sat that way, but when I looked up, the sky was dark, the street lights were on and my throat was on fire.  My breath was still hitching in my chest and I couldn't control the embarrassing sniffles and snorts that were still making their way out.  I felt weak and horrible and highly fucking embarrassed that Edward had to deal with all of that this early in our... whatever kind of relationship that we had.  His hand was still threading through my hair and we were still rocking back and forth.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, uncurling my fingers from his shirt and wiping off my cheeks.

"Don't be," he said softly.

"I didn't mean to…"

"Bella, it's okay," he whispered, cradling my head in his hand and forcing me to look up at him.  "Don't ever apologize for something like this."

"You didn't sign up for this," I rasped weakly, sniffling.

"Friends," was all he said to me, his thumb rubbing over my wet cheek.  "It's what we do."

"I'm always screwing something up, Edward.  I'll screw this up too."

With every pass of his thumb over my cheek, electricity shot through me and I still didn't know what to do with that, either.  That couldn't be normal.

"Will you just let me be your friend, Bella?" he sighed, closing his eyes.  "I'm a big boy; I can handle your shit."

"You'll regret it."

"Now I'm getting annoyed."  His eyes shot open and he stared directly down into mine.  "If you don't want to be friends, then tell me.  Don't pull this shit with me anymore if it's pointless and meaningless to you."

I swallowed hard and shook my head quickly.

"That's not it," I managed weakly, sniffling.  "I just want you to know what you're getting into with me."

"You've warned me," he said, his voice monotone.  "I'm still here."

Yes.  He was.  Meaning that he wanted to be.  Meaning that he probably liked hanging out with me on some level for reasons that I'd probably never completely understand.

When I wasn't a mess on the pavement after he'd just dealt with a long day of work.  When I hadn't just spent an indeterminable amount of time in his arms and crying my heart out for a man that I'd never have back in my arms.  When he didn't understand any of it because I was too fucking terrified to tell him and re-live it all once more or have him use it against me somewhere down the line.

"I haven't been being a very good friend to you," I said softly, swallowing hard and shaking my head again.

He seemed to relax and I even watched a small smile flit across his face in the light of the street lamps.

"We're working on it."  He dropped his hand from my hair and licked his lips.  "You still hungry?"

"A little."

"Are you willing to try the dinner thing again?"

"Can we still go to my apartment?" I asked sheepishly, hiccupping.  "I don't want to face any more people than I have to."

"Sure," he nodded.  "And don't tell me anything tonight, okay?"

"Edward, you…"

"We have time," he said softly, his hand threading in through my hair again.  "You can tell me when you're ready and I won't push you about it anymore."

"I will tell you," I vowed, sniffling a little and nodding.  "I promise."

"Not tonight.  Promise me that."

"Will you tell me about you?"

He sucked in a deep breath and looked away from me, slowly licking his lips.

"Anything you want to know," he finally whispered.  "All you have to do is ask, Bella."

I sat up in his lap and threw my arms around his neck, burying my nose in his chest and closing my eyes tightly.  His arms slowly came around my waist, his hands splayed out on my back as he rested his chin on the top of my head.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Anytime," he whispered back.

I sat back, swallowed hard and quickly leaned in to peck his cheek before scrambling off of his lap and standing up.  I grabbed my purse and keys from the ground, turning around to find that he'd stood up as well.

"What do you want?  I'll go get it," he offered, clearing his throat and wiping his palms on his pants.

"I can…"

"You're not looking so good right now, Bella."

I gaped at him and only relaxed when I watched his lips twist into a smirk.  I narrowed my eyes at him and took the necessary step back to him, smacking his arm and pursing my lips at him.

"Ass."

"Relax," he said softly, nodding towards my car.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Just say that I want my usual."  I unzipped my purse and began digging around for my wallet, looking up when his hands covered mine.  "Edward…"

"You can get it tomorrow.  I've got it tonight."

I looked up at him and sighed, biting my bottom lip and nodding.  He moved his hands from my purse, trailing it down the back of my hand and squeezing my wrist gently.  I watched him turn around and start back in the direction of the diner, huffing slightly and gnawing on my lip.

He'd offered up the key to everything about him; he'd given it over to me and all I had to do was turn it to have him answer any kind of question I asked.  He trusted me and was letting me in.

As I stood in the dimly lit parking lot, empty aside from our two cars, watching his shadow disappear around the edge of the building, I vowed to do the same for him.  It was time and if he willingly suffered through that, he deserved it more than anyone else ever had before.

We were officially friends and it was time that we started acting like it.




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