Fourteen

*Bella*

"Why does he stay with her?"

I looked up from my computer screen to see Alice stomping her way into the office, her hands on her hips and her lips pursed as she slammed her purse down on her side of the counter.

"Who?" I asked slowly, turning in my chair and watching as she continued to slam things around.

"Emmett!  Rosalie had no right!  She doesn't even know what she's talking about!" she ranted, plopping down into her chair and huffing at me.  "She obviously knows nothing about you!"

"That or she's teamed up with Jean."  I tilted my head at her and shrugged my shoulders.  "She's right, Alice."

"No, she's not!"

I sighed and nodded, waving a hand at her as I turned back around.

"Okay then."

"Bella, you can't honestly believe all of that stuff!  She's just a bitch!"

"You do realize that she'll be your sister-in-law one day, don't you?"

"Jasper has already given me full permission to put her in her place if I need to."

She nodded proudly at me and I sighed, shaking my head.

"Yes, well, she's a bitch that knows, Alice.  She has no sympathy for anyone but herself, Emmett and occasionally her family and I don't quite understand why he stays with her.  But he does and she apparently makes him happy so I'll bite my tongue for him."

"What if he marries her?  What are you gonna do then?"

"Have a very sore tongue."

"Bella," she sighed, exasperated.

"I'm not going to piss Emmett off, Alice."

"Don't you think he'd like that you stood up for yourself?"

"To his girlfriend?  No, I don't.  Drop it."  I turned and looked over at her.  "Please?"

She glared at me and shook her head, sighing heavily before nodding and reaching out to turn on her own computer.

"Fine.  One of these days, Bella, you're really gonna need to strengthen that backbone of yours."

"I have one?  I wasn't aware."

"Ha, ha, smart ass," she grumbled.  "Go make me some coffee, bitch.  Angela's coming in late today and we're gonna be swamped until she gets here."

I raised an eyebrow at her and watched as she grinned sheepishly at me, bringing one hand up to wiggle her fingers at me.

"I love you?"

"Mhmm," I hummed, smirking at her and shaking my head before I stood up and made my way towards the door.

"Hey, Bella?"

I turned and looked over at her, raising an eyebrow.

"You and Edward?"

"What about us?" I asked quietly.

"I can see it."

"See what?"

She smiled and nodded once before turning and facing her computer again.

"I see it."

"You're making no sense, Alice."

"I will.  Go get some coffee.  We're all going to need it today.  They're both booked from open to close."

I sighed heavily and shook my head again, reaching up to run my hand through my hair as I walked out of the office and down to the kitchen.  I was fucking confused about pretty much everything that had to do with Edward and what we were trying to pull off.  Hell, I didn't know what we were trying to do.  Everything was so confusing and the way I felt with him was just… it wasn't like anything I'd ever been involved with before and I didn't know what to do about it.

I liked him.  I liked being with him and talking to him and to be perfectly fucking honest with myself, I really liked kissing him.  He was fucking good at that.  In general, I just liked being around him and I was finding that it was getting easier and easier to let go and be myself with him.  Yes, there were still times when I wanted to retreat and hide inside the shell that had kept me from being too severely hurt for three years now, but for the most part, it was nice to open up to someone again.  It was just nice to have someone there again.

I made the coffee and fixed myself a cup, leaning back against the counter with my hands wrapped around the mug to stare at the refrigerator.  We had about half an hour until we were officially open; I had plenty of time to relax and think.

I had desperately wanted to bring him some peace of mind somehow last night after he had gotten that call from his mother and it really hadn't worked at all.  And his yelling…

I swallowed hard and shook my head, sighing heavily.

My parents had gotten into some massive fights when they were still together.  I may have been young when they divorced, but that was the one thing that always stuck with me.  Every time I heard a man raise his voice in anger, my heart started beating faster and every inch of me started to shake.  I don't know why this happened; as far as I knew, my father had never once hit my mother.  I couldn't stop it and even though I knew he'd never do anything to hurt me, just the way he'd sounded had me on edge.

So I'd tried to distract both of us and that didn't work either.  I was surprised at the end of the night when he'd apologized and had then taken me up on my offer to come inside.  I was even more surprised when he stayed until midnight watching stupid chick-flicks with me.  But he'd left with a tired smile on his face and a quick kiss to my lips so maybe I'd done something right in trying to calm him down after all.

"Hiding in here already?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Edward standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a smirk on his lips.

"That obvious, huh?"

"Nah.  I was just guessing."  He pushed himself off the doorjamb and walked over to me.  "I smelled coffee.  And Alice said that you were in here, so…"

I laughed and moved out of the way, watching as he grabbed a mug from the cabinet and held it out to me.  I rolled my eyes and set my own mug down, grabbing his and eyeing him.

"You're pathetic."

He grinned brightly and shrugged.

"It's your fault for stirring in a different direction."

I laughed at him and shook my head, grabbing the carafe and pouring the dark liquid into his mug.

"Sure it is."

"I'm gonna make you dinner tonight," he stated, leaning against the counter next to me.

"Why?" I asked slowly, looking over at him as I set the carafe back on the burner and grabbed the sugar bowl.

"Why's there have to be a reason?"

"I thought we were going to get you a new phone number?"

"Yeah.  After that."

"Why?" I asked again just as slowly.

I watched him fidget out of the corner of my eye as I dumped the sugar into his cup, smirking to myself as I stirred.  He was nervous; this was new.  It was rather nice to see him squirm.  I didn't know why he was nervous, but I was kind of enjoying every minute of it.

"Why do you wanna know?"

I eyed him, setting the spoon down on the counter and sliding his mug over to him, slowly looking up at him.

"I'm not above spitting in this," I stated, holding onto the rim tightly.

"To thank you," he finally gave in, sighing dramatically and grabbing the handle of the mug with his pointer finger.

"For what?"

"Bella," he stated, tilting his head to the side and pursing his lips at me.

"I didn't do anything!" I laughed, relinquishing my hold on his mug when he placed his hand on mine.

He linked our fingers together instead of grabbing the mug, bringing the back of my hand to his lips.

"You did a lot," he whispered.  "Let me make you dinner."

I swallowed hard, licking my lips as I met his eyes.

"You've got a really full day today, Edward…"

"And being with you when it's over will make it worth it all.  It's just dinner, Bella."

I shook my hand from his and placed it on his cheek, rubbing my thumb on the bridge of his nose.  He closed his eyes and leaned in to me, sighing softly.

"Okay," I agreed quietly, nodding once.  "Dinner it is."

He leaned in a little more, gently brushing his lips over mine.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

"Hey!  Lovebirds!"

We jumped apart at Alice's voice in the doorway and I sighed, shaking my head and looking up at Edward to find him doing the same.

"Yes?" I asked, glaring at her.

"Tanya just walked in.  I suggest you move it.  And where the hell is my coffee, woman?"

I innocently pointed to the coffee machine and grinned at her.

"You keep her in check.  She's snippy today," she said to Edward, wagging a finger at him as she walked into the room completely.

"I'll do my best." He winked at me as he grabbed his coffee and walked out.  "See you later!"

It was absolutely ridiculous the way my heart stuttered at a stupid fucking wink.

"I see it," Alice sang quietly as she grabbed the mug kept on the counter specifically for her and her short ass.

I chewed on my bottom lip, grabbing my coffee mug and wrapping my hands around it again as I stared at the empty doorway.

"There's nothing to see," I said softly, shaking my head.  "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bella."  She grabbed my wrist and I looked over at her, tilting my head to the side.  "Don't do that to him."

My stomach twisted and I swallowed hard, blinking at her.

"I'm not…"

"Bella."

"Alice, you don't know…"

"I don't know the situation," she said, shaking her head and turning back to her coffee, "but I know what I see when I look at the two of you.  And if you have any feelings for him at all, do not say that you don't."

"Alice, we're just…"

"Bella, you're more than that and you'd do good to finally admit it."  She finished mixing her coffee, turning to me and placing one hand on my arm.  "He'd want you to move on, Bella.  He wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life."

I sucked in a deep breath and swallowed hard, holding her stare as she quirked an eyebrow at me.

"He wouldn't," she said softly, squeezing my arm, "and you know it."

"Yeah," I whispered, nodding.  "I know."

"So maybe you should start living again, huh?"

I huffed out a breath, puffing out my cheeks as I twisted my lips to the side.

"It's hard," I breathed.

She laughed and nodded, squeezing my arm again.

"Yeah, it is.  But that can sometimes be the best part about all of it.  Nothing worth it ever comes easy, Bella."

I sighed and nodded, smiling at her.

"Yeah."

"Now!" she exclaimed, moving her hand from my arm and flinging it up in the air.  "What are you doing this weekend?"

"I don't know," I laughed, shrugging and following her as we walked out of the kitchen.

"Well, you now have plans.  I have to go Christmas shopping for Jasper and you're coming."

I groaned as we walked into the front office and she laughed, setting her mug down onto her desk and plopping into her seat.

"You're getting something for Edward, aren't you?" she asked, her voice low as she looked over at the doorway.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I sat down in my seat and turned to face her, shrugging.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You will need my expertise!  It's settled.  You're coming with me and we're gonna find something amazing for our men."

I felt my face heat up and rolled my eyes, turning back to my computer and setting my mug down.

"He's not…"

"Maybe not yet," she sang.  "But he will be."

"You're impossible."

"And delusional," Tanya stated, striding into the office and standing next to me with her arms crossed.  "He'll get tired of you."

"And immediately run to you, won't he?" I asked, turning and looking over at her.

"If he was smart, he would."

She crossed her arms over her chest, Yogi Bear grinning at me from her chest as he tip-toed away with a picnic basket in his hand.  While I would rather chew my tongue off than to have him run to her if and when that ever happened, she had a point.  He should run while he had the chance and I'd never stop him.

"Good morning, girls!"  We all looked up when Carlisle walked in the front door, grinning at us.  "It's snowing!"

I immediately grinned and stood up, pushing by Tanya and walking into the front lobby.  I hopped over to the window on the side of the room and rested my hands on the sill, biting my bottom lip as I watched the white fluffy flakes fall, immediately melting against the ground.  I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.  Something about the snow just made me relax and gave me the patience I'd needed twenty seconds ago.

Tanya failed to exist, Alice calling Edward my man didn't matter, and I wasn't worried about what may or may not happen between the two of us anytime in the near future.

Everything will be fine.

~*~

The office had been closed for a half an hour and I'd been sitting in a chair in the lobby, staring out the window and watching the snow for probably twenty minutes.  Everyone but Edward, Tanya and myself was gone for the day and I couldn't be any fucking happier about it.  The entire office had been absolute madness the minute office hours had started and it hadn't slowed down until they ended.  Alice had said they were both booked, but I hadn't truly believed it until I'd seen it right in front of my face.

I couldn't even imagine how Edward felt after a day like this.  Even Carlisle, who never seemed to be actually tired after a day of work, had dragged himself out of the office with a half-hearted wave and a mumbled 'see you tomorrow'.  So, I decided that I'd give Edward a little time to collect himself before I went to bug him and had happily turned a chair around to stare out at the snow that had continued to fall all day.

I heard the door leading to the hallway open and waited, listening for the telltale huff that would indicate that it was Tanya come to annoy the fuck out me a little more today.  She'd mostly left me alone for the day, choosing to get her snide comments in as she was walking by the front office.  I did my best to ignore her, slamming my fingers on the keyboard to keep myself in check and listening as Alice and Angela made fun of her and mimicked her.  They kept the stress and irrational urge to find her and strangle her with her insane scrubs at bay.

I sucked in a deep, quiet breath when I heard footsteps behind me and nearly jumped out of my chair when I felt hands on my shoulders.

"Can I ask what you're doing?" Edward asked softly, leaning down and gently pressing his lips against my temple.

I relaxed and smiled, leaning into him and sighing.

"It's snowing," I said simply, reaching up and grabbing his hands from my shoulders.

"That it is."  He leaned forward as I pulled his arms in front of me, linking our fingers together.  "You really like the snow, huh?"

"Well," I started, sliding my palm against his and up by his fingers before sliding it back down again, "it's like everything is starting over.  I know that spring is supposed to be all about rebirth and new life, but I always thought that winter meant something close to that, too."

"Why's that?" he whispered, resting his chin on my shoulder as he slid his fingertips over my palm.

"It's freezing everything, covering it and making it clean for spring.  Everything's quiet and pristine and waiting to start over again."

"I never really thought of it that way."

I slid my fingers in between his again before sliding my palm up and over his, watching as he curled his fingers briefly over mine on the way back down.

"I always have this resolution, I guess," I continued.  "When winter ends, I tell myself that I'll start over, too.  That I'll try to be a better person."

"Bella," he said softly, turning his head and pressing his lips right underneath my ear.

I closed my eyes, leaning my head back on his shoulder as I continued sliding my hands underneath his.

"I've tried every year and I'm always still the same person when winter comes around again.  I'm still…"  I sighed.  "I'm still me."

"What's so wrong with that?" he whispered, trailing his lips down the side of my neck.

I bit my bottom lip, trailing my fingertips over his palm and down his wrist before flattening my palm against his again.

"I'm gonna be better for you," I whispered.  "I'm not gonna wait until winter is over to start being who I want to be again.  I'm going to be better for you."

"You are better for me, Bella."  He trailed his lips back up my neck, placing a soft kiss against my jaw.  "If you aren't who you want to be, then change for you but don't do it for me.  I like who you are."

"Without the crazy freak outs, right?"

"I'll even take those."

I opened my eyes, watching as our hands continued to slide against each other's, our fingers tangling briefly before I slid my hand back down to his wrist.

"You deserve better," I whispered, making circles on his palms with my pointer fingers.

"Please stop saying that," he begged softly, trailing his lips down my jaw and leaning over me.  "I mean it when I say that you are, Bella."

"I don't wanna screw this up."  I swallowed hard, closing my eyes again as he kissed along my jaw.  "And I don't wanna be scared anymore."

"I said we'd go slowly, Bella," he whispered, sliding his hands underneath mine and linking our fingers together.  "I'm not ever going to push you into something that you don't want to do."

"I don't want you to have to worry about something like that."

He laughed and shook his head, wrapping our arms around me and breathing out a sigh against my cheek.

"You are absolutely impossible."

I laughed weakly and looked down at my lap, chewing on my bottom lip as I squeezed his hands.

"And I wouldn't have you any other way.  Believe that, okay, Bella?  You keep me on my toes, you keep life interesting."

"I drive you insane."

"All a part of your charm."  He kissed my cheek, squeezing his arms around my shoulders.  "If you want to change for you, that's fine.  But don't change for me and don't change too much, okay?  I really do like who you are, Bella."

I moved my hands from his, turning around in the seat and reaching up to grab his face in between my hands, pulling his lips down to mine.

"I'm gonna be good for you, Edward," I whispered as I pulled away from him.  "That's what I want."

He sighed and rested his forehead on mine.

"Then I'll do what I can to help.  If you want me to."

I nodded, watching as he licked his lips.  "Okay."

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah."

He kissed me one more time before standing up straight.  I turned around in the seat, standing up and turning the chair in the right direction before following him towards the door.

"I'll be back," he said softly as we stood next to the front office's door.

I nodded, watching as he walked to his office before pushing through I walked through the door.  I jumped when I saw Tanya sitting in my seat, her eyes narrowed and her arms over her chest.

"You are absolutely amazing," she stated, shaking her head.  "Gonna forget about Mike the way you forgot about Josh?"

I swallowed hard, the calm I'd managed to achieve while talking to Edward and watching the snow immediately disappearing as my heart started beating painfully against my ribs.

"You know nothing," I said, my voice shaking as I fisted my hands at my sides.  "I will always love both of them."

"It shows," she scoffed.  "You aren't worth anyone's valuable time.  I hope he breaks you."

"You can't break something that's already shattered, Tanya."

"Oh, yeah, play that card again, Bella.  Is that how you got Edward to fall for you?  The damsel in distress?"

"You know nothing," I whispered, shaking my head.

"I hope you enjoy breaking someone else.  You're really fucking good at it."  She stood up, shaking her hair over her shoulder.  "Josh would be so fucking pissed off at you.  I don't know what the fuck he ever saw in you in the first place."

I felt my eyes fill as she walked by me, slamming the door behind her as she walked into the hallway.  I sucked in a deep breath, uncurling my hands and walking to my chair.  Resting a hand against the back, I leaned down and grabbed my purse, standing up straight and sniffling as my eyes landed on the picture of Mike and me.

"You ready?"

I jumped and blinked a few times before turning to face Edward.

"Y-yeah."

He dropped his briefcase and was standing in front of me, cupping my face in his hands before I could move.

"What?" he asked softly.

"Let's just get out of here, okay?" I begged, my voice shaking even worse as I looked at him.  "Please?"

"You'll tell me?"  I nodded, closing my eyes as he leaned in and kissed my forehead.  "Come on."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me back towards the door, bending down to pick up his briefcase before we grabbed our coats and walked out of the building.  I shivered as the freezing wind hit my face and leaned against him a little more as we walked towards his car.  He opened the door for me and waited as I climbed in before closing it.  I set my purse on the floor and strapped the seatbelt over my lap, staring down at my lap as he climbed in on his side and quickly started the car.

"All right, Bella.  Out with it," he said softly, turning the heat up as far as it would go.

"Tanya saw us," I said softly, clasping my hands tightly in my lap and huffing out a breath.

"Okay," he said slowly when I failed to continue.  "She suspected anyway so… that's not anything new, right?"

"I'm just gonna break you," I choked out, leaning forward as much as the seatbelt would allow and burying my face in my hands.  "I broke them; I killed them and I can't do that to you."

"Hey, hey, Bella, no.  No," he said forcefully, pulling gently on my arms.  "Stop this right now.  You did not break them or kill them."

The tears spilled forth and a broken sob sounded through my mouth as I curled up against the side of the door, shaking my head.  I vaguely heard him open his car door and only brought my legs up to my chest, burying my face in my knees and wrapping my arms tightly around them.  I jumped, screaming through a sob when my door opened and I felt his hands on my shoulders, keeping me in place.

"Edward, no," I managed, curling up tighter as he reached over me and unhooked my seatbelt.

He managed to uncurl me long enough to get the seatbelt from around me before I felt his arms around me, cradling me briefly against his chest as he lifted me from the car.  I grabbed onto his shoulders for fear of being dropped, whimpering against his chest as he sat down in the passenger seat and placed me on his lap.  I flinched as he slammed the door closed and briefly wondered how he managed to reach down and move the seat back before both of his arms were around me.

"You couldn't control any of that," he whispered into my ear, one of his hands threading through my hair.  "None of it was your fault; you didn't break or kill anyone, Bella."

I slumped against him, burying my face in his chest and curling my fingers into his shirt as he continued to run his fingers through my hair.

"It wasn't your fault, Bella.  You have to know that it wasn't your fault," he whispered, cupping the back of my head with his other hand.

"I should've been there," I said weakly, shaking my head.  "For both of them."

"Did you ever think that if you were, maybe you wouldn't be here either?"

"That's not-"

"If you were, maybe you wouldn't be here right now.  Maybe I wouldn't be holding you in my arms.  Maybe Emmett would've lost his sister and your mother would've lost her daughter.  Yes, it sucks that you lost them, but maybe we all would've lost you."

"It doesn't…"

"Don't you dare say that it doesn't matter," he all but snarled out.

I flinched and tried moving away from him, pulling back and reaching behind me for the door handle.  He grabbed my hand, forcing his fingers in between mine as he grabbed my chin with his other hand and forced me to look at him.  I swallowed hard as I met his gaze, his eyes dark and his nostrils flared.

"It does fucking matter; you matter, Bella.  You matter to me, you matter to your family, you matter to Carlisle, Alice and Angela… you matter."

"Edward…"

"If you weren't here, I'd never know that I could feel like this, Bella.  I'd never know that every time I kissed you or touched you that there could be sparks.  I'd never know that someone as good and as pure as you could even exist.  So yes, it does matter and don't you dare fucking tell me that it doesn't."

My eyes blurred and I blinked at him, feeling tears fall down my cheeks as I stared at him.

"You matter, Bella," he said hoarsely, his voice cracking.

Guilt crashed onto my shoulders and I shook my hand from his, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and burying my head in his chest.  His arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly to him and resting his chin on the top of my head.

I don't know how long we sat there, waiting until my sniffles and sobs and pathetic whimpers finally calmed down.  I looked up at him when they did, immediately finding his eyes and reaching up with one hand to place it on his cheek.

"I'm sorry."

"Tell me that you matter," he whispered, leaning into my hand.

"Edward…"

"Say it, Bella."

"I matter."

"Mean it."  I huffed at him and he quirked an eyebrow at me.  "I have no problem in sleeping here."

I sucked in a deep breath and licked my lips, closing my eyes briefly before opening them again and looking directly into his eyes.

"I matter."

"You do.  You matter a whole hell of a lot to a lot of fucking people."  He grabbed my hand from his cheek, placing it over his heart.  "You matter a whole hell of a lot to me."

I splayed my fingers out on his chest, feeling his heartbeat under my hand.

"You mean a lot to me, too," I whispered.  "Scares the fuck out of me."

He laughed breathlessly and nodded, sliding his hand over mine.

"I ruined our plans for dinner."

"No you didn't.  You didn't ruin anything."

"Your phone number?"

"Can wait another day.  It's been off for the whole day anyway."

I laughed softly and bit my bottom lip, nodding.

"Thank you."

He pressed his hand more firmly against mine as he leaned in and kissed me softly, pulling away slightly and looking up at me quickly before leaning in to kiss me again.

"You ready to eat?" he asked softly as he backed away.

I nodded, smiling tentatively at him and turning my hand over to tangle my fingers with his.

"Yes."

He kissed me once more before untangling our hands and reaching to push open the door.  I climbed off his lap and waited for him to stand up before plopping back into the seat and once again grabbing the seatbelt to pull across me.  I sucked in a deep breath as he closed the door and rounded the hood, swallowing hard as I watched him.

"Did you want me to follow you?"

"I'll just drop you off back here," he said easily, pulling the seatbelt across his lap.  "Not a big deal."

"Are you sure?"

He shifted the car into gear, grinning over at me and nodding.

"Positive."

I relaxed back into the seat and nodded, sighing and closing my eyes.  I opened them again when I felt his hand wrapped around mine, squeezing gently.

"Safe," he said softly, pulling out of the parking lot and starting in the opposite direction of my apartment.

"Safe," I agreed, turning my hand over and linking our fingers.

I did feel safe.  For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone and I didn't feel like I had to conquer everything completely on my own.  I'd missed feeling like this and I owed it all to Edward.

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