Fifteen

*Edward*

I put the last dish into the dishwasher and snapped the door shut, grabbing the two glasses of wine sitting on the counter and walking into the living room.

The meal I'd had in mind to make for the night hadn't happened.  I really didn't feel like cooking and Bella said that we didn't have to do this at all; instead suggesting that I take her home.

I'd refused, naturally, and we'd stopped at a small Italian restaurant that I hadn't really paid any attention to before.  We got it to go and I'd stopped on the way home to get a bottle of wine before finally making it back to my apartment with a promise to cook for her one day soon.

It had been very amusing to watch Bella standing in the doorway, her jaw down to her feet as she looked around.  The apartment building – from what I understood – had been built only a few years ago and everything was apparently top of the line.  I hadn't cared when signing the lease; I just needed to get the fuck out of Chicago and this place had an open apartment available immediately.

Regardless, Bella had made us sit in front of the fireplace as we ate and at a loss of things to talk about, I'd started in with the questioning again.  I'd learned that she'd always wanted to travel, but was too afraid to do it on her own and that her hero was obviously her mother.  They were unimportant questions, but every little thing she said kept me interested.  I wanted to know everything that she was willing to answer for me and then some.

I walked back into the living room, finding that Bella was still sitting on the couch – her half-lidded eyes staring at the empty fireplace and her chin propped up on her hand.

"You awake?" I asked softly, sitting next to her and handing her one of the glasses.

"I won't be after this," she murmured, smiling shyly at me as she took the glass from me and placed it in her lap.  "Wine is my kryptonite."

I threw an arm over the back of the couch, bringing my glass up to my lips and smiling to myself as she moved over and rested against me.

"You can stay, if you want," I suggested softly, dropping my arm around her shoulders.

She looked up at me, one of her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed.  "What?"

"You don't have to," I said easily, playing with her hair.  "It was just a suggestion."

"Are you trying to get me into bed, Mr. Masen?"

I grinned at her, shrugging easily.

"Is it working?"

She laughed and shook her head, resting her cheek on my chest as she lifted the glass to her lips.  I smirked and continued to play with her hair, sipping from my glass as we sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"I'll stay on the couch," she said quietly, dropping one of her hands to my knee.

My heart soared and I bit the inside of my lip, quickly raising the glass to my mouth again to hide the smirk that desperately wanted to make an appearance.

"No," I finally said, shaking my head and resting the glass on my leg.  "If you want, you can stay with me.  If you don't, I'll take the couch."

"I'm not kicking you out of your bed."

"And you're not staying on the couch."

She huffed and looked up at me.

"Edward."

"Bella," I grinned, completely unable to hide it anymore.

She was thinking about staying with me.  All night.  In my apartment.  With me.

"Why are you impossible?"

"Why are you?" I laughed.  "I want you comfortable."

"And it's your place!"

"Then stay with me," I said easily, shrugging.  "No funny business unless you start it."  I wiggled my eyebrows at her and she laughed, shaking her head.  "I promise."

She leaned up, gently touching her lips to mine.

"Safe," she whispered as she leaned back

"Very much so."

"Thank you for today."

"You would've done the same for me."  I rubbed her shoulder, leaning my head against the back of the couch.  "Do you ever think of telling Carlisle about what she says to you?"

"Yes," she said quietly, shaking her head and resting her cheek against my chest again.

"And?"

"Edward, it's…"  She huffed.  "Complicated."

"I'm sure he'd do something, you know."

"I don't want him to."

"Why?"

"He was her brother.  She has every right-"

"Bella," I warned, squeezing her shoulder.

"No one will lose their job because of me.  Yes, she's a bitch, but she's got her own set of problems, too.  I understand."

I sighed heavily and leaned down to kiss the back of her head.

"You have a heart of gold, Bella," I whispered into her hair.

"No, I'm just a fucking doormat."

I smirked and shook my head, leaning forward to place my glass on the coffee table and wrap my arms around her completely.

"So am I," I sighed.  "Guess we're perfect for each other, huh?"

She hummed and I smiled when I heard her trying to stifle a yawn.

"Ready for bed?"

"What am I gonna wear?"

I rolled my eyes, pressing my lips against the side of her head.  Women; always thinking about what they're gonna wear.

"I have some things you can sleep in.  Come on."

I kissed the side of her head again and took the glass from her hand, waiting for her to stand up before I did.  I grabbed my own mostly full glass and walked into the kitchen, listening as I heard her footsteps behind me.

"I kinda love your place, you know," she yawned.  "It's really pretty."

I laughed as I dumped the wine down the sink, setting the glasses off to the side before turning and walking over to her.  She placed her hands on my chest and tilted her head up, her eyes still half-closed.

"You're free to come here anytime you want."

She smiled sleepily at me and I brushed hair from her forehead.

"Come on, sleepy," I laughed, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the kitchen.

"You're sure that you don't mind?"

"I'm gonna get a sign that says positive and flash it at you every time you ask me that."

"I just want to make sure!"

I stopped in the middle of the hallway and grabbed her face in my hands, leaning down and kissing her softly.

"I'm positive," I whispered.

"Okay," she whispered back, nodding and lazily licking her lips.

I smiled and kissed her once more before dropping my hands from her face and grabbing one of hers, leading her into my bedroom.

"Damn," she mumbled.  "Here I am, worried I'm gonna roll over and push you out of the bed and you have a king size?  Christ, Edward, you gotta tell me these things."

I laughed and squeezed her hand before I let go, walking over to my dresser and yanking open the top drawer.

"You never asked."

"Of course not."

I smirked and pulled out a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt; both of which would be entirely too big on her, but would work for the night.  I walked back over to her and handed them to her before grabbing my own pajamas from the end of my bed and kissing her forehead.

"I'll be back," I said softly.

"Edward…"

"I'm just going down the hall," I said, smirking at her as I stepped away.  "It's not a big deal and to be perfectly honest with you, I kinda have to pee."

She snorted and shook her head at me, rolling her eyes as she waved me off.  I smirked and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me.  I walked into the bathroom and did everything I needed to do before grabbing my clothes and walking back into the hallway.  I dumped my clothes into the clothesbasket and walked up to my bedroom door, knocking softly and waiting for her to grant me permission to my bedroom.

"I'm good!" she called.

I smirked and pushed open the door, seeing her sitting at the head of the bed with her knees up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.  And seeing her dressed in my clothes made the night that much better.

"Comfy?"

She nodded, smiling up at me and watching as I walked to the other side of the bed.  I pulled the blankets down and raised an eyebrow at her.

"You gonna sleep on top of the covers?"

"If you want me to."

"Bella," I sighed dramatically, leaning down and placing my hands on the mattress.  She bounced a little at the force and pulled her lips in between her teeth, hiding a smirk.  "Get in the bed, woman."

She uncurled herself and leaned over, placing her hands on my cheeks and leaning in to kiss me softly.

"I wanna tell you something," she whispered as she pulled away.

"What's that?"

She brushed her nose against mine before kissing me again.

"We should get in bed first."

"Yes ma'am."

She laughed and shook her head, moving from me and crawling underneath the covers as I did the same.  I turned on my side and propped my head up on my elbow, watching as she stared up at the ceiling.  Her bottom lip was back in between her teeth and her hands were nervously tapping out a disjointed rhythm on her stomach.

"Bella," I said softly, reaching over and grabbing one of her hands.

She quickly linked our fingers, squeezing tightly and taking a deep breath.

"There was a party," she started softly, huffing out a deep breath.  "Mike wanted to go and I didn't.  We got into a really big fight over it; he said that I never wanted to do anything fun and I said that he never took anything seriously.  He stormed out, yelling that he was tired of my shit and didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore."

She sucked in a deep breath and I circled my thumb on the back of her hand, swallowing hard.

"Why didn't you want to go?" I asked softly when she failed to continue.

"I've never been a big partier."  A small smile flitted across her face and she shook her head.  "I wasn't in the mood to go try to talk to people I normally couldn't stand on a daily basis."  She rolled her head to face me, her eyes far away.  "Forks isn't that big; you knew everyone at the parties.  They were all his friends and while I didn't mind them, seeing them more than I had to never appealed to me.  And I had to work in the morning.

"I was pissed off when he left and spent the rest of the night bitching to my mom.  She said that he was just being a man and that we'd work everything out in the morning; I shouldn't worry about it.  So I went to bed, still really pissed off, and had this… horrifying dream," she whispered, snapping her eyes shut and shaking her head.

I swallowed hard again, watching as her breathing started to get heavier and her hand tightened around mine.

"I saw his car in a ditch, the front end completely crumpled and… sirens and an ambulance and I was on the side of the road, screaming.  Someone was holding me back and it was Mike on the covered stretcher; I just knew it.  I woke up shaking my head and praying that that would never happen."  She rolled onto her side, closer to me and buried her head in my chest.  My arms immediately went around her, holding her to me.  "I went to work and hadn't heard from him but I didn't think anything of it.  I mean, I figured that we were both still pretty pissed off about the fight from the night before and talking wasn't our top priority right then."  She huffed out a shuddering breath and buried her nose into my throat.  "I got home from work and his parents were waiting for me.  My dream hadn't been just a dream."

"Bella," I whispered, reaching up and cupping the back of her head.

"He fell asleep at the wheel," she squeaked out, one of her hands fisting into my shirt.  "He'd had too much to drink, probably smoked a little too much and fell asleep at the wheel.  Hit a telephone pole…

"They didn't call me before because everything had happened so fast and I just wasn't a top priority," she choked, finally wrapping her arms around my waist and molding her body to mine.  "His lungs collapsed and they couldn't do anything more for him.  Too many internal injuries and too much damage."

"Sweetheart," I whispered, burying my nose into her neck and smoothing my hand over her hair.

"He had never gotten that bad at parties before.  But he'd never been pissed off when he went to them, either.  He died because I pissed him off and he had too much of everything.  He was always so careful and… it was my fault," she choked out on a sob, clinging to me.  "If I had just gone with him like he wanted me to, maybe he wouldn't have done so much shit.  Or maybe I would've been there to drive him home…"

"Or maybe he would've taken you with him," I whispered, "and we've been over this already."

"If I had just gone with him instead of being an uptight pain in the ass, maybe he would still be here."

I closed my eyes tightly at her words, immediately thinking that if he were still here, we wouldn't be the way we are right now.  She wouldn't be with me and I'd never know what it was like to feel something again.  Maybe it was selfish and God knows I wanted her to stop hurting almost as much as I wanted to stop hurting, but she'd been the one good thing to come out of everything that I'd been through with my parents.  If he were still here with her, I never would've had the chance to know someone like her.

"You can't live in things you could've or should've done, Bella."

"His family blames me, too," she whispered into my neck, sniffling.  "They moved to North Carolina a month after the funeral and I haven't talked to them since.  I've tried… but they've never…"

"I'm sure that's not true.  They can't blame you for anything…"

"His mother told me before they moved."

I think I flinched against her and held her to me tighter, throwing one of my legs over hers and pulling her completely against me.

"It wasn't, Bella.  Please believe me when I say that," I begged, dragging my hand through her hair and swallowing hard.  "You couldn't have controlled that."

"I should've…"

"He shouldn't have been driving," I interrupted.  "I'm sure he knew how fucked up he was and he chose to get behind the wheel regardless.  If you want to be mad at anyone, be mad at him, Bella."

She shook her head quickly and I listened to the shuddered breath she sighed out, sniffling.

"I can't be mad at someone who isn't here to make it right."

"Yes, you can.  You can be as pissed off and as angry at him as you want to be because it was his fault that he's not here anymore.  It's his fault that he isn't with you anymore."  I swallowed hard once again as I said that and wrapped my other arm around her once more.  "So be pissed off, Bella, be mad and get angry."

She was quiet, the silent room filled with her small sniffles.

"I feel guilty being with you," she whispered and my heart stuttered in my chest before it started aching.

As if hearing that you still wanted him here – in a world where this would never happen between us – wasn't bad enough, you have to go and add that to the pain, don't you?

"But I don't ever want it to stop.  I know that a very big part of me still wishes Mike were here with me, but I'd never want to lose you.  And I just… I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions all the time and…"  She pulled away only slightly and looked up at me, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy.  "I… I hurt you."

I just stared at her.  What was I supposed to say?  I didn't want to lie to her.  Fuck, I just wanted her to go to sleep at this point.  Why the hell wasn't she yawning anymore?  That's all she'd been doing when we were out in the living room and now that we were actually in bed, not one damn yawn.  Plenty of tears, but not one fucking yawn.

I watched her eyes fill again, silently watching as tears poured over her cheeks before she tried rolling away from me.

"Bella," I said, my voice hoarse as I tightened my arms around her.

"I hurt everyone I care about," she started, her voice thick and shaking as she placed her hands on my arms and tried pushing me away from her.  "I'm so scared of being in a relationship with someone else because I'll do nothing but hurt them or push them away or get them killed.  Edward, I can't do that to you.  I can't hurt you like that."

"You don't hurt your mother or Emmett.  You care about them, don't you?"

"They're stuck with me!" she exclaimed, still trying to pry my arms from her waist.  "You're not and I don't want you to be if you're just going to end up hurt.  Please, Edward, let me go."

"You think I don't hurt people, too?" I asked, yanking her back to me and pressing my forehead against hers so that I could look into her eyes.  "You think that Lauren just woke up one day and realized that Tyler was better for her?  You think I didn't push her away or hurt her with all the times I missed an appointment we had for our wedding?  You are not the only one scared of history repeating itself, Bella."

I watched as more tears fell from her eyes before her arms wrapped around my neck and her lips were on mine.  I didn't think – I didn't want to, not after what we'd just talked about – and immediately kissed her back.  Her mouth opened under mine, her tongue dancing across my bottom lip and I did the same, smoothing my tongue against hers.

I didn't understand what was going on.  Either I'd just dreamt our entire conversation about her feeling guilty or we were both out of our fucking minds.  I had it on good authority to think the latter was more than likely the reason but as she scraped her teeth along my lip, I stopped caring.

She'd told me everything.  In the past two days, she'd told me everything I'd ever wanted to know upon first meeting her and had opened up to me in the way I never thought she would.  Hell, I never thought I'd be kissing her and loving every fucking second of it either, but here we were.

She whimpered quietly, pushing herself against me completely.  Her hips rolled against mine and I breathed out a small moan, my hips automatically responding and pushing against hers.

Fuck that felt good.

She moaned softly, tightening her arms around my neck and slowly rolling onto her back.  I groaned in protest, quite content with our current position and quickly untangled my arms from around her waist, anchoring my hands on either side of her.  I moved in between her legs, moaning as she brought her legs up and squeezed my hips, slowly dragging hers over mine again.  I felt her hands in my hair, pressing my lips more forcefully against hers and continuing to torture me with her hips.

"Fuck," I breathed, pulling away from her.  "Wait…"

"Please," she whispered, shifting up a little and kissing my throat.

"We can't… You're…"

"Feeling something," she interrupted me.  "You're making me feel again, Edward."

Hell, I'm sure she was feeling something.  God knows I couldn't ignore it and she wasn't helping.  Well, okay, maybe she was helping a little too much.

"Bella," I groaned.

"I want to feel all of you," she whispered, nipping at my Adam's apple.

Good fucking Christ, this girl was trying to kill me.

"This won't make anything better," I managed, closing my eyes tightly.  "You're emotional and…"

She fell back against the mattress and her arms slowly dropped from my neck.  I opened my eyes to find her looking away from me, her bottom lip caught in between her teeth and her arms protectively crossed over her chest.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be…"

"I'm tired," she whispered again, closing her eyes.

"I don't want you to regret it."  She nodded and I watched a tear travel down the side of her face.  "Bella, please…"

I wasn't sure whether to be completely fucking frustrated or feel like a total and utter asshole for making her feel even worse.

"It's fine, Edward."  She looked up at me again, her eyes watery and the saddest smile I'd ever seen on anyone plastered on her face.  "I won't… that won't happen ever again, okay?"

"Bella, that's not what…"

"I get it, Edward."  She reached up with one hand and gently touched my cheek with her fingertips, her lips quivering.  "Let's just go to sleep."

"What do you think you get?"

"You don't want me."  She shrugged one shoulder and a tear rolled down her cheek again.  "It's okay."

I stared hard down at her and she dropped her hand, crossing it over her chest and looking away from me again.

Was she seriously in the same bed with me anymore?  Fuck, couldn't she feel me?  If she thought that this was me not wanting her then I was probably going to scare the shit out of her when the time came.

"You're out of your fucking mind," I managed.

"Tell me something I don't know," she grumbled, reaching up and wiping off her cheeks with her wrist.

I leaned down and kissed her neck, moving one hand and slowly trailing it up her arm.

"I do want you."  I rocked my hips against hers again and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.  I continued to trail my hand up, reaching her neck and gently pressing my fingertips against her cheek.  "All of you."  I brushed my lips over her jaw line, planting small kisses against her cheek and finally her lips.  "And I want it all while I'm with you."

"What?" she breathed out, one of her hands reaching up and resting against my chest.

I sucked in a deep breath and kissed her again, cupping her cheek and running my thumb over her jaw.

I wasn't sure when I decided this.  I wasn't sure of anything anymore.  The entire reason for moving here in the first place was completely shot to hell and it was all because of this insecure, broken, frustrating, gorgeous woman I was lying on top of that actually thought I didn't even want her.

"I want to be with you, Bella," I breathed out, shaking my head.  "I don't want to just be friends that occasionally kiss and touch and spend nights together.  I want the labels; I want the whole package.  I want it with you."

She puffed out her cheeks and blew out a deep breath, reaching up with both hands to run them repeatedly through my hair.

"You really do?"

I nodded, smirking down at her.  She licked her lips and briefly closed her eyes, huffing out another breath.

"Your first day at the office?  When I came in late?"

I raised an eyebrow at her and nodded once.  What the hell did this have to do with anything?

"I tried to go to therapy that morning," she whispered, her hands still threading through my hair.  "But I couldn't make myself go in.  I sat in the office and listened as she called my name but I just couldn't make myself get up and follow her.  I had plenty of reasons to go; my family, Carlisle, Alice and Angela…"  She shook her head.  "I guess I just didn't have you."

"Go for you," I whispered, gently dropping my forehead onto hers.  "Go because you want to."

"I want to be better for you.  It's something that I want and something that we both deserve."

I sighed and pursed my lips at her, dragging my thumb over her bottom lip.

"I want to be with you, too," she whispered and my heart started beating erratically against my ribs.  "And to do that, I need to go to therapy."

"You mean it?"

She nodded and I tilted my head, gently pressing my lips against hers.

"Come with me?" she asked.  "Just… sit in the waiting room and wait for me?  It's… easier knowing that I have someone there with me.  Pushing me in if need be."

"Anything," I whispered.  "Anything you need me for and I'm there, Bella."

"You so might regret that," she laughed softly.

"I might," I agreed, grinning at her as she pursed her lips at me.  "But it'll be worth it in the end."

"Oh, I really hope you mean that."

"Just… live in the now with me, okay?" I whispered, leaning down to kiss her again.  "Let yourself go, Bella.  I like that side of you; I miss it when it's gone."

"I'm really gonna try."

"That's all I ask."

She nodded and huffed out another breath.

"We're doing this," she breathed.

I nodded and couldn't contain the smile on my face as I brushed the end of my nose against hers.

"Yes.  We are."

She hummed and pulled herself up to me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck and burying her face in my chest.  I rolled us onto our sides and pulled her close to me again, tangling my hands in the bottom of her hair and resting my lips against her forehead.

"I won't let you regret it, Edward," she whispered into my ear.  "Thank you for taking a chance with me."

I closed my eyes and squeezed her tightly, not letting her go very far as I reached behind me and turned off the lamp on my bedside table.

"Stop thanking me," I whispered as I rolled back to her.  "You don't need to."

"Not many people…"

"Haven't we figured out by now that I'm not like other people?" I chuckled quietly and kissed her forehead.  "Just be with me, okay?"

She nodded and nuzzled her nose into my chest, her arms tightening around me as she sighed.  Good to know that she was tired now.

"I like that idea," she mumbled.

"Good night, Bella."

"Night."

It hadn't been a great night.  In fact, if I ever had to deal with a night like this one again, I might just hang myself.  I had never been so emotionally exhausted before I'd met Bella – not even when my life was falling apart – and my heart had never gone from being so torn apart for someone else to feeling so fucking… full in the time span of ten minutes.

I sighed quietly and kissed her forehead again before shifting and getting comfortable with her.  She fit here; she felt natural against me this way and while it scared the shit out of me, there was a part of me that never wanted to give it up.

"Ah, Bella," I whispered once her breathing had evened out and she was completely relaxed against me.  "What am I gonna do with you?"

She snorted and shifted in my arms, moving her arms from my neck and pulling them between us, curling into me.  I laughed quietly and absently trailed my hands down her hair.

"Love me," she breathed.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes.

"I'm gonna try."

I tilted my head and buried my nose into her hair, tightening my arms around her and doing my best to drift off to sleep.

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